Two core beliefs: a misbehaving child is a discouraged child and it is the parents’ responsibility to prepare their children to become contributing members of society.
“How do I get my kids to start doing this/stop doing that?” Parents across the country mistakenly believe that finding a strategy to “get” the kids to do or not do something is where they ought to be spending their time, energy, and money.
“Parents, your attention—whether it’s good, bad, unintentional, unnoticed, unplanned, reflexive, angry, sugarcoated, sincere, or otherwise—is the fertilizer that makes it possible for those weeds to grab hold, grow roots, and take over the family. The behaviors can’t grow without your tending to them on a regular and consistent basis. As well-meaning parents, you care for the very weed you cannot stand.”
Tape those toes to the ground and give your baby the chance to experiment with what happens when she coos and cries.
(why do kids keep acting negatively?) The answer is this: your child is answering one question over and over again, “In my family I am the child who...?”
(whining child) Simply seal your mouth and stop verbally fertilizing the whiney “weed.”
(fighting with sibling) Do not get up and go running in to referee.
(not eating his food) Let the little guy do his thing—it’s his choice to mess around. It’s your choice to react differently. Just sit and wait.
You may have heard, “Don’t worry about it. It’s just a phase. He will grow out of it in time.” Unfortunately, this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Between the ages of birth and five years, children experiment with a variety of behaviors designed to answer two questions: (1) How do I ensure that I can engage my caregivers quickly and consistently to ensure my survival? and (2) How do I define myself?
When it comes to parenting, there are only two problems, lack of training or a fractured relationship, both of which are worth fixing.
Recognized parenting strategies (bad):
These Band-Aid tactics might be easily recognizable, popular, and accepted, but they do little to create long-term change and do a great deal to fracture relationships.
Default parenting strategies (bad):
These tactics are used in a haphazard way when parents feel they must do something to deal with a behavior or rectify a situation. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to their use, and they almost always make things worse.
(kids messing around and not brushing teeth) So, pretend you don’t even hear it and take the “quiet time” to make a plan that will work in the long term.
She cared more about getting things done and being prepared and on time than she did about training the kids on how to take care of their own morning routines. She cared more about the hairy eyeball she got from the grocery clerk than she did about teaching her kids how to actually help her at the grocery store. She cared more about the “tsk-tsks” she received from teachers and coaches when her kids came to school or their sporting events unprepared than she did about taking the time to teach her kids how to prepare for their own lives.
When the kids know how to manage their lives and are doing so on a regular basis, the game changes. Not only is the house running smoothly and mom can take time to enjoy life, but the kids develop confidence, because they are participating in and making decisions about their own lives.
Never do for a Child, what a Child can do for himself. —Rudolf Dreikurs
If they can walk, they can work. —Vicki Hoefle
You make “tidy life” materialize for the entire family and there is no coincidence that you are often wiped out by day’s end and totally depleted of the joyful energy you envisioned when you started your career as the, well, for lack of a better word, the maid.
False beliefs:
Toni takes this approach (and possibly you do too) not because she’s against the kids working hard or helping out, but because she doesn’t want to experience the mess and errors that come with training and inviting the kids to help.
You don’t need to be so worried that everything your kids say will embarrass you or tarnish the family’s image.
Life with kids is about accepting that kids and parents make mistakes, and mistakes make all of us look a bit messy around the edges. And yes, it’s true, showing up for life and all it has to offer can sometimes expose our flaws to the world. It also offers parents a chance to teach their kids about resilience, acceptance, and choosing family over an image.
Kids want to be self-sufficient. When this drive is interrupted, children become discouraged and frustrated.
Kids want to feel capable. The more you can learn to omit yourself from their daily tasks, the more independent they grow and the more willing they are to take on greater responsibility.
Kids want ownership. When you do things for children that they can do for themselves, kids begin to think it’s your job to do everything.
When you are making parenting decisions out of fear, you are not parenting in the best interest of your child.
This is where the vision of parenting (great relationships in family life) collides with the reality of raising an actual child with a unique personality. Parents are suddenly preoccupied with finding any tools, techniques, strategies, or approaches that might bring back the dream, the vision, and the bliss they dreamed about having. This is where, unknowingly, the focus of our parenting journey shifts away from developing the relationship with the kids and toward finding a discipline strategy to “get the kids” to act in accordance with our ideas of parenting.
Fear Number One: Not Addressing Kids’ Bad Behavior Means Mom and Dad Become the Doormat
I am here to tell you that it is possible to parent your child while treating her like you would a treasured friend, creating a perfect balance of mutual respect, love, tolerance, and guided direction when necessary.
Fear Number Two: If the Kid Doesn’t Feel Bad, He’s Not Learning a Lesson
First and foremost, understand that the learning process is interrupted in children (and adults) when fear, uncertainty, and stress are added to the situation.
The next time you feel the urge to “teach a lesson,” skip it.
But if the primary goal is to teach, then why not use one of the world’s best teachers, natural consequences.
stop from jumping in, sit back, keep quiet, and refrain from saving your child from discomfort.
it’s not okay to peel back the tape for an old-fashioned “I told you so.”
Fear Number Four: My Relationship Strategies Simply Won’t Work
And following up on this change in thinking with some strong, rational affirmations can make all the difference in your success.
This is your chance to shift your focus away from your child’s pesky behaviors and habits and focus on what it will take for you to raise an independent, responsible, respectful, and resilient child. You will train yourself to say less, do less, interfere less, and micromanage less, and allow your children to take a more active role in their lives and the life of the family. This will provide opportunities for them to practice new skills, learn from their mistakes, and navigate their own lives whenever possible.
When you accept that your role as a parent is to step out rather than step in and fix or interfere or correct, then you will begin to steer your family in the direction you envisioned at the very beginning of parenthood.
Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it. —Swedish proverb
Kids don’t need guidance and information 24-7. They don’t need to walk in the door and be engaged with you and walk you through the minute details of their day. It’s a hovering habit that is ineffective at staying connected to your child. You can be quiet and be connected. You can let them get lost in their own worlds—it does not mean you don’t care or that your child is slipping away from you.
Mistakes are opportunities to learn.
Take time to train the kids to participate in running the house.
Focus on your child’s strengths and innate talents.
Create routines (it’s easier than you think). As a family, identify a time of day that has been particularly rough (morning can generally be counted on as one of the most challenging times in any family) and agree to create a routine that supports each member individually and the family as a whole.
As parents, there are countless little battles that we fight simply because we haven’t stopped to ask our kids if there’s another way and if they’d be willing to try it that way. Once we look around, we find almost everything has a variety of possibilities.
5. Include kids in the decision-making process.
6. Hold regular family meetings. ATTENTION: “Family meetings” are not held in response to problems. They are proactive communication meetings.
Family meeting basics:
7. Create a family roadmap.
8. Be a role model. Actually, you already are a role model.
9. Start an appreciation board.
10. Become your child’s mentor not corrector.
11. Focus on effort, improvement, and progress and forget all about perfection.
12. Ignore it, and by it , I mean everything (unless it’s morally or physically dangerous).
13. Encourage! Encourage! Encourage!
Encouragement is an observation. To encourage, you notice: you are hurt, you are angry, you tied your shoe, you got an A, or you flunked the test. There is no judgment attached to the observation. It is a way to open up a conversation and allow children to share their experience and their feelings with someone they trust.
Encouragement is acknowledging. To encourage, you tell someone: your help made the job easier, your sense of humor had me giggling instead of crying, or you helped your brother even though you wanted to watch your show. To acknowledge how someone made a difference in a situation or in your day or in your life sends the message to the person that she is valuable and that you appreciate who she is.
Encouragement focuses on effort and improvement, and it can be given anytime.
Encouragement sounds like: you are tying your shoe faster than you were last week, you are passing the ball more on the field, or you are walking away more often. As a child, knowing that someone is noticing the fact that you are getting better at difficult tasks inspires you to keep going. For many parents, to encourage just requires leaving the and I’m so proud of you off the end of the statement.
Encouragement is meant to inspire children to take risks, make choices, and assume responsibility for those choices and actions.
Encouragement teaches kids to rely on themselves for self-evaluation instead of looking for outside validation, which builds healthy, strong, fortified self-esteem and helps kids feel satisfied and grounded in their own lives.
Encouragement instills an attitude of resiliency, awareness, kindness, empathy, forgiveness, and patience.
Encouragement focuses on the process, not on the end result.
14. Get curious. Ask questions and look for clues your child gives you about the ways she interprets the world around her. Stop assuming you know what is happening in your child’s mind. I tell parents in all of my classes that if they can remember this image, quoted from psychotherapist Alfred Adler, they will go a long way to fortifying a solid relationship with the kids: “Hear with their ears, see with their eyes, and feel with their heart.”
When they wake up in the morning and walk into the kitchen, you are greeting entirely new people. Get to know these people again. Parents have a tendency to summarize their kids and create labels for them and forget that the kids are in the process of growing and changing every single day.
15. Show faith. Trust that these strategies will work. Trust that your children are capable of more than you imagine and that they will learn through your guidance and the natural consequences the world will provide.
Exercise: Do Nothing, Say Nothing: The Five-Day Duct Tape Challenge
6. Understand that things will be messy, really messy, and that your kids could be angry, frustrated, confused, elated, or liberated.
A happy mom or dad makes for a happy family. Plus, you are modeling for your kids that life isn’t supposed to revolve around the kids.
There is no point in telling kids “good job” on repeat, autodial, and without any real reason other than to let the kids know you’re happy with them.
Once you train yourself to quit throwing “good job” their way, try replacing it with “so you did X” or “What was that like for you?” They might look at you funny but, yes, that’s a good thing!
Skills and tasks kids can learn and master between infancy and nine years of age include:
Here is a short list of the social skills our tweens and young teens (10-15) are learning and the life lessons that will enrich their lives and prepare them for the adult world.
Here are just a few of the things our young adult kids (16-18) are interested in learning:
This method is about a gradual, intentional shift in which you decide that your child can handle more, day by day and week by week.
To quit your job as the maid without losing your mind (and your kids at the grocery store) you must:
Sending out an invitation is an art form. Here is how you master it:
Keep talking about how important their contributing to the house is and how much you count on them. Everyone wants to know that they are needed, important, and contributing to a successful family life.
At the next sign of a meltdown, simply walk out of the room.
Stop. Say, “Hey, I know you are in the middle of something, and I don’t want you to stop, but I’m going to go kiss daddy. I’ll be back in a second.” Continue on to make out with husband. That will end any show, every time.
Personal Parenting Roadmap: Who do I (the parent) want to be and how will I get there? • Family Roadmap: What do I want for my family? • Short-Term Roadmap: How do we develop useful skills and helpful habits? • Kids’ Roadmap: Who do I (the child) want to be and how will I get there?